I told someone today, “I’ll know when I’m ready.”
But just now I realize that my track record about being accurate about my life hasn’t exactly been the greatest. The things I thought I knew, I realized I didn’t know as well as I thought. The plans I thought were set, melted like the morning mist.
I had titled this post “The Not-Knowing,” but then I realized that it’s not the not-knowing, but rather the un-knowing. The un-knowing of the plans I have made; it is the un-knowing of my blueprints. The reverse knowing; the knowing that you used to think you know, but now you realize you don’t know.
Dream God’s dreams for you. That’s what they told me. But it’s hard when you have no idea what God’s dreams are. To me, that quote was for the most part, useless. But as I sit here in my car, just getting home from a youth Bible study, I realize I have no idea what God has planned. I only know that He has bigger dreams than I could ever have. I didn’t think I would get to be a senior pastor straight out of school. I didn’t even think I’d pastor before going to seminary. I surely didn’t think I would have the opportunity to work with one church plant, let alone two. I didn’t think I’d make any friends in my church. I didn’t think I would love pastoring as much as I do. I thought I’d want to get out of pastoring after 10-15 years and go teach, but now I’m not so sure. I surely didn’t think I’d be here, but here I am. And let me tell you, God’s dreams are amazing.
And that’s kind of the point: our dreams and desires are so fickle, at best. It’s not that our dreams don’t matter–many of my dreams have come true–but instead, it’s the realization, that my dreams are like a small pond compared to God’s oceans of dreams.
So I sit here as dusk gathers around me. The cat is questioning why I’m sitting here so long. The woods are growing still around me. And here I stand. Breathing in every breath content in the un-knowing for this moment. Tomorrow, I may get impatient. Tomorrow, I might get frustrated. Tomorrow, I may try to rush ahead, but today, I am content in the un-knowing. And that is what matters.
“Hier stehe ich und kann nicht anders! Gott helfe mir, Amen!” -Martin Luther
Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen.
Amen. May I ever be content in the un-knowing.