It’s been almost a year since I last blogged. And my, what a year it has been. Almost a year…
I’m not who I was then, and I’m not today who I will be tomorrow. His reckless Love has taken my life on an incredible and crazy journey. And my what a journey it has been. I’ve been broken, I’ve been healed then broken again, but each in different, but very much the same ways. He has had to begin to teach me of surrender. I never realized how painful and peaceful it was to surrender. I realized recently that I had never fully, completely, willingly surrendered before. To let go of those miracles and trust Him with the unknown is simultaneously the most painful and happy moments of my life.
And believe me when I say, I had a lot I didn’t want to surrender. And believe me when I say, there’s still a lot I beg Him to rip from me. To be willing to let Him rip out the plant whose seed He had clearly recently planted in the soil of my heart has been the most terrifying and most rewarding journey of my life. He has had to teach me to let Him rip out the tree of control in my heart and to plant there in its void, trust. He has had to rip out by its roots the trees of pride and self sufficiency and self-centeredness. And just when I think He has finished, the old trees sprout up again and I find myself on my knees begging for help as He rips open my soul again.
He has taken the well drawn and detailed blueprints of my life and ripped them into tiny pieces. It has been one of the hardest things to learn to be grateful for what is and has been and for the darkness of the unknown in the future. I have learned to embrace pain. I have learned to embrace the not knowing–though it is the most painful part of faith for me. I have fallen to my knees time and time again, begging for Him.
Adventure in Holiness sounds so jovial and jubilant. This past year has had those moments, but now Adventures in Holiness will perhaps have to become my Adventure in Holiness. Who knows. As we constantly undergo our own personal evolutions and radical changes at the hands of the Almighty, we fall and we rise. So this is my rising again.
So welcome back. Welcome back to the adventure. Welcome back to my corner of rising and falling, of searching and finding, of surrendering and failing, of the story of the One who is ever opening my soul and calling me.